


We All Have Dreams

by e_cat



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-02-28 07:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2724725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_cat/pseuds/e_cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bunch of pynch stories that connect in my mind, and are completely out of order. Ranging from before the first book to some time in the future.<br/>First one is Ronan's "suicide attempt" from Noah's perspective. Then it jumps to the future. Then back to the past. And so on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dreams of Death

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the characters goes to Maggie Stiefvater, who is excessively amazing and fantastic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan is off getting drunk and being self-hating. Noah is concerned.

Noah was dead, not psychic. He couldn’t see into the future. He didn’t know what was going to happen next. But Noah didn’t need to be psychic to guess what was going to happen tonight.

It started with a couple of beers – it always did – in the Latin classroom. Ronan had broken into the building, and the alcohol and the setting were enabling his self-hatred.

He didn’t stay long; if Gansey came looking for him, it would be too difficult to explain why he had chosen to get drunk in Adam’s seat in Latin class. He couldn’t explain his desire to see from Adam’s perspective – it was far more interest than he allowed himself to show anyone.

Ronan stumbled out of the building, but he stopped at the gate. He didn’t have the energy or the willpower to go anywhere else tonight. Not to the church, or the bridge, or even back to Monmouth. If he just sat down here, perhaps he could pretend that the world wasn’t what it was for just a little while. But Ronan knew that was a lie, and he hated himself for it.

And that’s how he fell asleep – on the ground beside the gate, flooded with alcohol and self-hatred. The alcohol helped with the dreams, but the hatred was not so easily overcome. In fact, coupled with the alcohol, it might even spell disaster.

Noah was not psychic, but he knew all this. He knew that tonight, it might be very important to find Ronan. And that’s why he woke Gansey up.

Noah opened Ronan’s door and hoped that Ronan wouldn’t question it. He whispered quietly in Gansey’s ear, just enough of a chill to wake him. Gansey stirred, and before he opened his eyes, Noah was back in his own room, waiting for Gansey to fetch him.

Gansey sat up, heart pounding as if he’d had a nightmare, although he didn’t know what it might have been. He saw Ronan’s open door, and a feeling of dread filled him, although he didn’t know why. Gansey stood and investigated – Ronan was not in his room.

Gansey pounded on Noah’s door, already calling Adam, scared without being sure why. He had needed to go looking for Ronan before, but it had never felt as urgent as it did tonight.

Noah opened the door, doing his best to imitate a living person, just woken from sleep. Gansey and Ronan didn’t really know that he was dead. It should have been obvious, really, but they never questioned the fact that he didn’t have a car or a phone, or the fact that he was constantly wearing his Aglionby uniform, even at night and on the weekend.

“Ronan’s missing,” Gansey informed him, as well as Adam over the phone.

Noah nodded slowly, pulling himself out of his room and shutting the door behind him. “I’ll check the school.”

Gansey didn’t question it – Noah had always been able to figure out where to look. Even though they’d never found him at the school before, there was no reason to doubt that Noah should look for him there now.

On the phone, Adam promised to check the park. Gansey was heading to the bridge.

Gansey and Noah left Monmouth and split up. As soon as he was out of Gansey’s sight, Noah faded and reappeared beside Ronan. Ronan was still sleeping, in the midst of an obvious nightmare. “Ronan,” Noah whispered in his ear. He wasn’t sure that waking him was the best idea, but it probably wasn’t the worst.

Ronan woke with a start. He didn’t seem to notice Noah. There was a delay of a millisecond, and then the blood came, too. There was a night horror as well, but it took off, its work done. It would come back for Ronan some other time. Assuming, of course, that Ronan lived to meet it again.

Noah wasn’t sure that he should touch Ronan – could the touch of something dead worsen this predicament? – but he also felt that he had no other choice. Noah found Ronan’s phone in his pocket and dialed Gansey, sloppily trying to stop the bleeding with his other hand.

“He’s at the gate,” Noah told Gansey, feeling bad for killing his hope at seeing Ronan’s number. “Get here now.” Noah wasn’t sure how to tell Gansey that his best friend was bleeding to death, but he hoped his tone conveyed the urgency of the situation. He hesitated. He had to give Gansey some warning. “I’m going to call an ambulance,” he said, and then he hung up before Gansey could respond and did just that.

Gansey must have broken the speed limit getting there, because he got to them before the ambulance did. He looked at Ronan on the ground, and he looked absolutely ruined. It was clear that Gansey wasn’t sure what to make of this image, Ronan dying on the ground of wounds that could only be self-inflicted. Of course, in a sense, they _were_ self-inflicted – the physical evidence of the self-hatred that ruled Ronan’s subconscious. But it was far more complicated than Gansey realized. Probably, Ronan did not want to die at all. He just hated himself for being alive.

Finally, the ambulance showed up and Gansey regained the ability to move. Gansey did not ask Noah to come to the hospital with them. In fact, he was so busy worrying about Ronan that he didn’t notice Noah fading before his very eyes. It had been a long night.


	2. Dreams of Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam is moping about being unimportant, or different, or whatever. Set some time after the present.

Sometimes, Adam wondered if Cabeswater really wanted him. Certainly, he could not have been the forest’s first choice of assistants. Adam was no one’s first choice. Perhaps the forest had only taken his sacrifice because no one else had been offering one.

It wasn’t often, now that he was Cabeswater’s hands and eyes, but sometimes the feeling of inadequacy still crept in. Adam’s association with magic was gained only through his own actions, and while Adam Parrish usually took pride in having only what he worked for, it hurt a little that all of the others had been _chosen_ by Cabeswater. Ronan was the Greywaren, and the trees had recognized Blue immediately, and Gansey and Noah had been able to hear them before anyone else – not to mention that Gansey had lived and Noah had died for the ley line.

Adam, on the other hand, did not come from magic. Adam had grown up in a mundane life, where magic was something you told yourself existed to make life a little more bearable, but you didn’t really believe it. Adam had no magic save what he had forced Cabeswater to give him – and he was fairly certain that _if_ Cabeswater actually cared who’d woken the line, it would have preferred that it be someone else.

The first time they had gone to Cabeswater, Adam had been given a horrible vision, almost as if the forest wanted to scare him away. Sometimes he wondered why, of all things he could have been shown, Cabeswater had shown him that. Blue’s vision had made her mildly sad, whatever it was, and Gansey’s had been triumphant. So, Adam had to wonder, why _his_ vision had been so terrifying. Was it Cabeswater telling him that he didn’t belong, that it didn’t want him? Adam had never been very good at understanding the forest, even after the bargain. Communication required tarot cards and a willingness to decipher its puzzles. For Ronan, though, simple words were enough. Surely, if Cabeswater could have chosen, it would have picked Ronan.

If it weren’t for the fact that Adam Parrish never asked for help, Adam would have wanted to ask Ronan to translate for him. He probably wouldn’t, anyways, but perhaps it would have been nice to allow himself to feel the temptation.

Temptation was something that teased behind Adam’s walls often when Ronan was around. Wouldn’t it be easier to live in Monmouth with Ronan and Gansey? Perhaps it seemed so when Ronan was there. Wouldn’t it be easier to acknowledge Ronan’s feelings? Wouldn’t it be easier to acknowledge _Adam’s_ feelings? 

What did Adam feel for Ronan? He was torn between wanting to understand himself, wanting to know himself, and worrying about the consequences of knowing who he was and what he wanted. If Adam knew himself, then maybe everyone would, too, and that might be unbearable. So, Adam let his confusion remain, although sometimes it was interesting to poke around the edges. He never thought about it long enough to figure it out completely, though; that scared him too much.

So what was he doing here, waiting for Ronan to show up? Adam had walked to Monmouth, and he was waiting in a spot he was pretty sure couldn’t be seen from the windows. At least, not at night. Gansey had no idea he was here, and neither did Ronan. Or maybe he did, and he was just avoiding him.

“I didn’t tell him,” Noah said defensively, making Adam jump. Noah had disappeared an hour ago, promising to figure out what Ronan was doing, although Adam hadn’t asked him to, and had, in fact, been even less sure of what he was doing waiting for Ronan.

“Do you have to do that?” Adam asked irritably. “Can’t you just walk up to me like a normal person?” Noah laughed. Adam sighed. “When is Ronan coming back?”

Noah shrugged. “I’m dead,” he said cheerfully. “I have absolutely no sense of time.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Can you at least tell me what he’s doing?”

Noah’s eyes grew wide. “Oh, I don’t think you want to know that!”

Adam sighed again. “If you’re not going to tell me, then why are you here?”

Noah smiled grimly. “To watch the show.”

“What show?” Adam questioned, but even as he said it, he could hear a car coming. Seconds later, Ronan’s BMW pulled into Monmouth’s parking lot.

Ronan turned off the car and got out, and Adam dropped to a crouch, trying to make himself invisible. There were several things that prompted this action. The first was the way Ronan was moving – almost delicately, like he was restraining himself. The second was that Ronan was dressed differently from usual, in clothes that were not entirely formal, but certainly not as casual as Ronan’s typical attire. And the third was that, even in dark left without the headlights, there was clearly someone else in the car.

Ronan went over to the passenger side door and opened it for his guest. It shocked Adam that Ronan was not only capable of being polite, but actually cared enough about what someone else thought to do so.

A tall boy got out of the car – tall, but not as tall as Ronan; probably taller than Adam, though. He was unfamiliar, or maybe just slightly familiar. He was probably someone from the public school, likely a year or two below them. He smiled at Ronan and Ronan smiled back – a real _smile,_ not a smirk. Then Ronan took his date’s hand and led him up into Monmouth.

And Adam stayed on the ground, pretending that there weren’t tears filling his eyes. “I told you that you didn’t want to know,” Noah said quietly.

“Shut the fuck up, Noah,” Adam growled fiercely, but mostly he was just mad at himself. He’d known – he’d _known_ all along how he felt about Ronan, but he just hadn’t been willing to admit it to himself. And now, when he was finally attempting to do something about it, it was too late. Adam had never felt so inadequate in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this whole thing seems really depressing, but there will be more set around the same time - this is not resolved!


	3. Dreams of Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gansey introduces Adam to Ronan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the titles are really lame, but I was trying for a theme. Also, there are far fewer mentions of dreams than I'd intended...

_This is Adam._ That’s what Gansey had said to Ronan. Ronan still hadn’t responded, and he could tell it was starting to annoy Gansey. Silence was never a wrong answer, except when it was.

Of course, Ronan knew that this was Adam. It was hard not to notice Adam, struggling fiercely to push himself ahead of Ronan in Latin class. Sometimes, Ronan was ashamed to admit that he felt a little bad that Adam put in so much effort while he put in so little, Ronan’s casual approach to Latin somehow beating out Adam’s serious one.

Gansey cleared his throat. Ronan knew that he was staring, but he refused to feel bad about it. Ronan had his gaze focused on where Adam’s eyes would be if he wasn’t staring at the ground. He almost wished Adam would look up, but he also almost feared that he would.

Adam lifted his eyes just a little, and it sent a quick thrill through Ronan’s nerves. He attempted to ignore it. “Parrish,” he said, trying to spit out the name like it was something he didn’t like. It didn’t come out quite like he’d intended, though.

“Ronan,” Gansey warned. At least there had been enough malice in his voice for Gansey to notice. Probably, there had not been enough hurt.  
Ronan looked at Gansey, challenging him. Gansey didn’t back down. Ronan looked away with a scoff, making it clear that it wasn’t because Gansey had won, but because Ronan didn’t care enough to keep fighting him on it.

“Adam helped me fix the Pig,” Gansey informed.  
“I hope you told him he was wasting his fucking time,” Ronan replied. It was much easier to insult Gansey’s car than it was to think about Gansey and Adam. The thought of them together put an unexpectedly bad feeling in Ronan’s chest. “That piece of shit isn’t likely to last to the end of the week.” 

Gansey gave an indignant response, but Ronan was too busy with his own thoughts to hear it. _Why? Why Adam?_ Of all the boys at Aglionby, why did Gansey have to bring over _Adam_ to talk to him? Adam – the one person besides Gansey and Matthew that Ronan actually wouldn’t mind talking to; the one person Ronan wasn’t sure he could let himself talk to – _no._ He had to stop this train of thought. It was ridiculous. There was absolutely no reason for him to care whether or not he spoke to Adam Parrish, and Ronan attempted to convey this with his expression.

Gansey was waiting for Ronan to say something again, but Ronan wasn’t sure what he was responding to. Silence was never a wrong answer. Ronan simply arched an eyebrow.

“Well,” Gansey said, “Adam and I got to talking about Glendower…” Ronan leaned against a wall to listen to Gansey’s familiar excitement over Glendower. He almost let himself wish he’d talked to Adam first.


	4. Dreams of Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very important, albeit drunken, conversation between Ronan and Gansey that takes place shortly before the events in chapter 2.

Gansey sighed at the sight of Ronan. It wasn’t that Gansey didn’t want to see his friend, but that he didn’t want to see him like _this._

Gansey nudged Ronan aside a little further with the door – Ronan groaned – and squeezed his way into Monmouth. Shutting the door behind him, Gansey took in Ronan’s appearance and the strong smell of alcohol that seemed to spread for miles around him, and thanked God that Ronan had at least made it inside.

But Ronan was conscious – at least partially – and that meant that he wasn’t going to get off without a discussion of the dangers of the improper consumption of alcohol, especially because he’d driven to wherever he’d been drinking it. This Gansey knew, because neither Ronan nor his car had been here when he’d left to return Blue to her house less than an hour ago, and not even Ronan could get this drunk in under an hour.

Gansey kicked Ronan in a not-so-gentle fashion. Ronan groaned again. “Get up, Ronan,” Gansey commanded, sounding more like a stern parent than he cared to admit. “We’re going to have a discussion.” Another groan.

“Not that drunk,” Ronan muttered to the floor, but his slurring said different.

“Then why are you collapsed just inside the door?” Gansey questioned.

“Didn’t feel like going any further,” Ronan replied. Even drunk, he was a sarcastic bastard.

Gansey kicked Ronan again, but this time there wasn’t much force behind it. “Come on,” he said. “Get up.” Ronan made a noise of protest. “To the couch.” Ronan grumbled to himself, but he grabbed Gansey’s outstretched arm and pulled himself up.

Mostly, Gansey dragged Ronan to the couch – he was more unstable than Gansey had anticipated. Once Gansey let go of him, Ronan collapsed onto the couch hard enough that he probably could have broken a less expensive piece of furniture. As it was, Gansey wasn’t sure how many more times Ronan could fall or dive onto the couch like that before it gave out.

Gansey hovered above Ronan, hating how much he looked and felt like a concerned parent. He tried to fix it, but his words only increased that feeling. “So, do you want to tell me why you’re drunk?” Gansey asked, grimacing at himself internally.

“No reason, lots of reasons,” Ronan replied ambiguously. “Take your pick.”

Gansey looked at him with disapproval. “There has to be a reason, Ronan. I haven’t seen you this drunk since…” Gansey trailed off. He wasn’t sure when. Sometime closer to Niall’s funeral, probably. But Gansey couldn’t rule out the possibility that Ronan had been this drunk without Gansey knowing. Like that weekend with Kavinsky… Gansey shook his head. Best not to dwell on that.

“Well,” Ronan said, pushing himself up on an elbow. Gansey hadn’t known he had it in him. “It was part you, part A– part Parrish,” he corrected, glancing at Gansey and away with an expression that Gansey didn’t know how to interpret, “and part the whole fucking rest of the world.”

Gansey knew that Ronan had meant for that to hurt, and he tried not to let it. It wasn’t working well. “Me?” Gansey asked incredulously, hiding the pain behind the Gansey composure. “What have I done that could possibly drive you to drink?”

Ronan shrugged. “Nothing. Everything. Doesn’t fucking matter.”

“It most certainly does matter!” Gansey disagreed. Ronan shrugged again, making it clear that he wasn’t going to give Gansey any more information about his role in Ronan’s current level of inebriation. Gansey sighed. “What about Adam? What’s he got to do with this? Did you two have a fight?”

Ronan fell back onto the couch and turned his eyes to the ceiling. “Adam, fucking, Parrish,” he said slowly, making it sound like a list of grievances.

“What?” Gansey asked when Ronan didn’t continue.

Ronan didn’t reply, leaving Gansey to simply watch him stare at the high ceiling for a long time. Just when Gansey was about to give up and go to bed, Ronan said suddenly, “Liquid courage.”

“I beg your pardon?” Gansey asked, surprised.

“That’s your role in –” Ronan gestured to himself. “Wanted to tell you… something…” He trailed off.

Actually, this hurt more than not knowing the specifics. “Ronan, you don’t need to get drunk to tell me anything,” Gansey said, unable to keep the hurt from creeping in. “There is nothing you can do that can ruin our friendship.” Gansey thought that this was true enough; even when Ronan had crashed the Pig, even before he’d known that it was fixed, Gansey had never for a second considered what Ronan had done unforgivable.

Ronan looked at him, finally. “Declan knows,” he said quietly. He looked strangely vulnerable. Gansey convinced himself it was a trick of the light. “Declan… Declan doesn’t approve.”

Gansey laughed. “I thought that everything you do is done specifically _because_ Declan won’t approve.” Ronan looked pained, and Gansey _felt_ his face drop into a serious expression. “What?” he asked. “Ronan, what?”

Ronan looked away, back up at the ceiling. After a minute, he mumbled something inaudible. “What?” Gansey asked. Ronan repeated his mumble, perhaps slightly more audibly, but not by much. “Ronan, you’re going to have to speak up. I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”

Ronan turned his head in quick violent gesture, automatically focusing his eyes on Gansey. “I’m fucking gay, okay?” he practically yelled. “I’m fucking gay, and I’m fucking drunk, and I’m fucking in love with Adam fucking Parrish!”

There was silence for a few seconds that seemed to drag on for eons. This was a lot more information than Gansey had been expecting to get. Ronan’s cheeks were red with the alcohol, and the outburst, and the confession. “I’m sorry,” Ronan started, his voice much quieter. “I… I didn’t mean to say that last bit.” But he didn’t take it back.

Gansey sighed and sat down on the floor. “First things first,” he said. Ronan nodded slowly, unwilling to meet Gansey’s eyes. “I don’t have any particular care as to whether you are attracted to boys or girls or that ridiculous raven you carry around everywhere.” Ronan let out a laugh that was part relief, and part horror at the thought of the second two options on Gansey’s list. “Your sexual orientation is no one’s goddamn business but your own,” he continued, “no matter what Declan says.”

Ronan let out a long breath. “Th-thanks, man,” he said. “That – that means a lot.” There was not a hint of his usual sarcasm.

“Now,” Gansey said carefully, and he could see the dread refilling Ronan, “Adam.”

“I – I wasn’t going to say anything,” Ronan said quickly, stumbling over the words in his rush to get them out. “I swear, I wasn’t going to –” Gansey held up a hand and Ronan immediately closed his mouth.

“I may be wrong,” Gansey said, “but I’m pretty sure that Adam is straight.” Ronan looked glumly at the floor and nodded. “And I don’t think it’s a good thing for you to sit around nursing a crush on someone who is not going to feel the same way.”

Ronan looked up quickly. “What are you saying, Gansey?” he asked angrily. “Are you saying that I should forget about my feelings? Just ignore them? God, you’re as bad as Declan!” He was going to continue, but Gansey once again held up a hand.

“I’m not saying that you should ignore your feelings, but that you should try to move on. Adam is a convenient crush; he’s around all the time. You need to get out there. Meet someone new. Go on a date. Try to forget about Adam.”

“Forget about him?” Ronan demanded. “How am I supposed to forget about _Adam?_ It’s _Adam,_ Gansey! _Adam!”_

Gansey frowned. “I’m not sure that I know what you mean.”

Ronan sighed dramatically. “I wasn’t exaggerating before,” he said irritably. “I’m really fucking in love with him.”

“I don’t know,” Gansey said carefully, “if you can truly be in love with someone if they don’t love you back.”

Ronan looked away again, and Gansey could see that this was something that he believed, too. But he couldn’t explain his emotions any other way. With Ronan, there was no _casual._ It was all, or nothing.

“Just… try, okay?” Gansey suggested gently. “One date with someone else, and if you completely hate it and can’t stop thinking about Adam the whole time, I won’t bother you again.”

Ronan squeezed his eyes shut for a long time. Then, almost imperceptibly, he nodded.


	5. Dreams of Adam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan has a dream about Adam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is such a short chapter, and also that it isn't as exciting as the others. I'm just kind of exploring how the characters feel, and, well, I figured I should put more dreams in here.

The first time that Ronan dreamt of Adam, he tried to convince himself that it didn’t mean anything. Dreams were randomly firing neurons, he told himself. They didn’t _mean_ anything.

Of course, Ronan knew better. Ronan knew better than anyone how much dreams could make their way into real life. He knew that there was always a meaning, and deep down, he knew that he knew why he was dreaming about Adam.

The day after, he keep glancing at Adam. It was hard to look at him the same after the dream, even though Ronan knew that Adam hadn’t actually done any of that. The dream itself had been innocent enough, of course. Just – just kissing, almost. And holding hands. Adam running his fingers along Ronan's face. It was the words Adam had said though – promises of love and a future – that had left Ronan’s heart racing more than it should have been, and had left his ears aching for more.

Ronan suddenly realized that his cheeks were turning red as he gazed discretely at Adam. Unfortunately, for once, Gansey noticed. “Your face is red. Are you sick, or something?” he asked.

Ronan hit away Gansey’s hand reaching for his forehead in an annoyingly parental gesture. “Maybe I’m just sunburned,” he snapped. Internally, his heart was beating fast and he wanted to run away. He made himself ignore it.

Adam laughed, and Ronan snapped his head over to look at him, directly this time. He tried to fight his cheeks on turning even redder. “Something funny, Parrish?” he demanded.

“When are _you_ ever in the sun?” Adam returned.

Ronan narrowed his eyes. “Midnight,” he said with finality. The answer was so ridiculous that, even though it was a lie, it didn’t really count as one.

Adam laughed some more, and Gansey’s look of concern deepened. Ronan stood up angrily and stormed out before they could come to the conclusion that he was embarrassed. He went back to Monmouth, though he still had classes during the rest of the day, and proceeded to get drunk enough that Gansey and Adam each came to the conclusion that he’d been drunk all along. Ronan wanted them to think it, and so even though it wasn’t a lie, it kind of counted as one.


	6. Dreams of Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam confronts Ronan about his date.

“So,” Adam said, trying to sound casual, trying to sound like he hadn’t been crying all last night, trying to sound like he didn’t still want to cry. “You have a boyfriend.”

Adam’s tone didn’t really matter, though. Ronan was so shocked by his words that the inflection Adam had put into them didn’t register at all. “Wha-what?” he stammered. His face was turning a surprising shade of red.

Adam shrugged. “Noah told me,” he lied, careful not to look Ronan in the eye, “that you went on a date last night. You brought him back to Monmouth.” It sounded almost like an accusation, and Adam hated himself for it.

The red had drained from Ronan’s face quickly, and now he was startlingly pale. He stared at Adam with his mouth open for a long time. Then, finally, he managed to murmur, “Oh, Adam.”

Adam reddened at the sound of those words. “What?” he replied defensively. “Don’t tell me it isn’t true. I know that it is.”

Ronan opened his mouth and then closed it again. He clearly wasn’t sure what to say, but silence wasn’t an option. Not this time. “I… it isn’t what you think.”

Adam squashed the thrill that ran through him at those words. How could it be anything else? “What is it, then? Don’t lie to me, Ronan.” Adam knew that he sounded angry and possessive, but he couldn’t seem to make the words come out any other way.

“I never lie,” Ronan whispered, eyes downcast. “Especially… especially not to you, Adam.” His eyes traveled slowly up to Adam’s. Adam ignored the rapid beat of his heart.

“Well, then tell me the truth! If it’s not what I think, then what _is_ it?”

Ronan looked at Adam for a really long time. “It was just a date,” he said slowly, finally. “It… it didn’t mean anything.”

“Don’t give me that,” Adam disagreed. “You held his hand; you took him upstairs; you _opened his fucking door!”_

Ronan tilted his head to the side. Adam looked down in shame. “Did Noah tell you all that?” Ronan asked quietly.

Still looking down, Adam shook his head. “I was there,” he confessed quietly.

Hesitantly, Ronan placed two fingers beneath Adam’s chin and guided his head up so that they were looking into each other’s eyes. Adam’s face was burning with Ronan’s touch, and it didn’t go away as Ronan slowly withdrew his hand. “Why were you there?” Ronan asked, his voice almost a whisper.

“I… I wanted to talk to you,” Adam said, his voice an actual whisper. Even his tiny apartment felt huge with the silence between them. It felt like magic.

Ronan looked surprised. “What did you want to talk to me about?” he whispered back.

Adam shook his head and let his gaze fall back to the floor. “Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled, the spell broken. His voice felt too loud after the whispers. “Not anymore.”

Adam could feel Ronan staring at him. After a minute, he spoke, but only to say again, “Oh, Adam.” It sounded like pity, but Adam couldn’t be very mad, because right then he felt very pitiful.

“What?” Adam asked, trying not to sound like he felt. He looked up, because he felt like he had to.

Ronan shook his head at him. “You don’t know a lot about it. You don’t understand.”

“So? Enlighten me,” Adam suggested. He sounded angrier than he was. Mostly, Adam was just sad.

“I… Gansey made me,” he spit out, almost sounding resentful. “He… he said that I needed to go on a date with someone so… so that I could…” his eyes darted between Adam and the floor. He shrugged, unable to finish the sentence. “He told me to be polite, to try and act like it was a date I actually wanted to be on. We only went back to Monmouth because Gansey insisted that I bring him back there. But it was… it was horrible. The whole time I was with him, all I could think about was…” He trailed off, focusing his eyes on Adam. Adam heard the word though, as clearly as if Ronan had said it: _you._


	7. Dreams of Ronan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam has a dream about Ronan. Pairs well with chapter 5, don't you think?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is so short. I'm sorry that the lengths of the chapters vary so much. I'm sorry that I'm making you wait for the good part. Or... maybe I'm not sorry...

The first time that Adam dreamt of Ronan, he almost managed to convince himself that it didn’t mean anything. He knew that dreams could be random, and that just because you dreamt of being late for class, it didn’t mean that you had any real concern that you would be. Just because he’d dreamt of Ronan’s hands on his face, Ronan’s lips on his lips, that didn’t mean that he actually wanted them there.

Adam’s rationalizations might have worked, too, if he hadn’t had another dream of Ronan the very next night.

“Adam,” Ronan said, his voice gentler than Adam had ever heard it. They were sitting side-by-side, holding hands. The sky was gray, and the air was cold, but Adam felt like he was all heat. He looked up from their clasped hands to Ronan’s face and blinked slowly.

“Yeah?” Adam murmured. He was surprised at the gentleness in his voice as well. Ronan was looking out at the sky with a peaceful, contemplative expression. It was so far from the usual Ronan look that Adam had a sudden urge to touch it, make sure it was real. But Ronan’s hand in his felt real enough, so he resisted.

Ronan turned his face to Adam’s, and it was a slow, calm movement. It was not like Ronan, but somehow it was exactly like Ronan. Ronan was so much more complex than Adam could ever hope to understand.

Ronan stared deeply into Adam’s eyes, and then suddenly they were kissing. Ronan said with the kiss everything that he hadn’t said with words. Adam said it all back.

Then Adam woke up. He sprang from his bed as if it was cursed, and began pacing his small apartment. Then he took a cold shower. Then he paced some more. By morning, he had filed the dream in the part of his brain that was ruled by Ronan – the part he had the least ability to understand. It was a puzzle, but it wasn’t one he was sure he was ready to solve.


	8. Dreams of a Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan is waiting for Adam to show up for their date.

Ronan was agitated. He was actually, incredibly nervous. Gansey was watching with an expression of concern as Ronan moved around Monmouth. Ronan knew that he didn’t understand – that he couldn’t understand. Tonight was everything that Ronan had wanted for two years; everything that Ronan had let himself _realize_ he wanted for several months now. It was everything that Ronan had never thought he could have.

Ronan checked himself in the mirror again. It was hard to believe how much he cared about his appearance, especially since Adam already knew what his appearance was usually. But tonight felt different. Tonight felt _important._

Ronan was wearing a shirt with a collar, and pants with creases. He looked like he was going to a job interview, in spite of his shaved head. Ronan wouldn’t dress like this for anyone else. Ronan would hate being dressed like this for anyone else. But for Adam, Ronan’s usual rules didn’t apply. For Adam, Ronan would wear anything.

Ronan left the mirror and returned to the cologne. “Don’t you dare add any more of that,” Gansey warned. Ronan’s fingers twitched anxiously. He knew that he probably already had on more of Gansey’s cologne than he should, but the anticipation was killing him. He had to do _something_ while he waited for Adam.

“You could throw me out the window,” Noah suggested faintly.

Ronan was touched by the offer – Noah had been fairly upset last time Ronan had thrown him out the window – but he just shrugged. “Been there, done that,” he said. “Would probably mess up my shirt, too.” Noah laughed at the absurdity of a Ronan who was being nice _and_ cared about messing up his clothes.

“You could do homework while you wait,” Gansey suggested, always the responsible adult.

Ronan looked at Gansey with a pained expression. Didn’t Gansey understand that he needed to keep moving or he would lose his mind? Gansey shrugged. “Well,” he repeated, “definitely don’t use any more cologne.”

Ronan scoffed, but he walked away from the cologne before it could tempt him. He headed to the couch and sat for about three seconds before springing up and heading toward the mirror. He changed his mind halfway there, and instead paced aimlessly.

Why was he so nervous? Ronan hadn’t been so nervous for his date with that boy Gansey and Blue had set him up with at Nino’s, and he hadn’t been expecting that evening to go very well at all. It had been pleasant enough, Ronan supposed – it wasn’t often that he spent an entire evening thinking about Adam – but there hadn’t really been any chemistry. The boy hadn’t even shown any interest in a good-night kiss when Ronan dropped him off, which Ronan was grateful for. If tonight went well, Adam would be his first kiss.

“I still can’t believe that Adam asked you out,” Gansey carefully interrupted Ronan’s thoughts, afraid that it was the wrong thing to say, but unable to stop himself from saying it.

Ronan stopped pacing to look at Gansey. He couldn’t believe it, either, really, but he was already too nervous for this date. “Why not?” Ronan challenged.

Gansey looked sorry, bracing himself for Ronan’s anger. “I just… never realized that he felt that way about you.”

Ronan snorted. “Gansey, you wouldn’t even notice if _you_ felt that way about someone.” He returned to his pacing, unable to stay still any longer.

Gansey looked mildly insulted and slightly embarrassed, but he didn’t object; he knew he could be oblivious. “Well, still,” he said. “I never would have guessed that Adam would… would…”

“Make the first move?” Noah suggested.

Gansey pointed at him excitedly. “Exactly!”

It was true that even when Adam had been interested in Blue, he hadn’t had the confidence to talk to her himself. But Ronan liked to think that he was different. Adam already knew him, after all, and he’d known that Ronan liked him back. “I think that you’re underestimating him,” Ronan said in a low voice.

“I think that Adam breaks his rules for you, too,” Noah amended. Ronan could not deny that that statement sent a thrill through him. The speed of his pacing picked up.

“I think that Adam should get here before Ronan implodes,” Gansey said. Noah laughed.

“I should have known that I would be the topic of conversation,” Adam said, standing in the doorway.

“Adam!” Gansey exclaimed. Ronan did not offer a greeting. He was too busy taking in the sight of Adam. He was wearing his school shirt and pants, but without the sweater. He seemed uncomfortable with this fact, with the fact that he didn’t have money to buy clothes specifically for this occasion. His suit would have been far too formal, and this was the best he could do. Ronan loved it.

“Hi,” Adam said uncomfortably. It occurred to Ronan belatedly that this might be because Ronan was staring at him.

“Hi,” Ronan breathed. He shoved himself into motion, making his way to Adam. This felt like a dream, but Ronan knew that it was somehow reality. “Are you ready to go?” Adam nodded vacantly, like he couldn’t believe that this was real, either.

“Yeah,” Adam said breathlessly. “I’m ready.”

Ronan swallowed nervously and led Adam back outside to the BMW. Adam’s car sat in the parking lot, too, but they’d already decided to take Ronan’s, just as they’d decided that Adam would come over when he was ready – “I just need a little time after work to get ready,” he’d said. “I’ll probably be over around 7:30. Maybe 8.”

They got into the car, and, just as Ronan was about to put the keys in the ignition, he looked over at Adam. Ronan was suddenly overcome by a blinding desire to kiss him. _Wait until the end of the date,_ he tried to convince himself. He didn’t kiss Adam, but he also didn’t move at all. He barely breathed. All he could do was look into Adam’s eyes.

The moment filled the car like a tangible thing. After a minute, Adam shook his head and cleared it away. “You’re wearing too much cologne,” he whispered.

Ronan laughed, and the sound was sharp and loud. “So are you,” he whispered back, because it was true. It was nice to know that they’d both been a little nervous about tonight.

Adam laughed too. “Perhaps we should open the windows.”

Ronan shrugged, starting the car. “We could just roll around in the dirt until it goes away,” he said. Then he froze, his face reddening. For once, he hadn’t _meant_ for what he said to sound sexual. Adam saved him, though, by laughing it off.

“You wish, Lynch,” he replied. Ronan smiled, and it was a smile of actual happiness.

“You’ll feel differently by the end of tonight,” Ronan promised, and Adam laughed again. Ronan wanted to make Adam laugh for the rest of his life. He did at least manage to make Adam laugh for the rest of the date. And at the end of the night, Ronan kissed Adam outside of Monmouth, and with the kiss he said everything that he was afraid to say out loud – _I love you; I don’t know if I could live without you; I hope this lasts forever_ – and the funny thing is, Ronan could have sworn that Adam’s lips said them back.


End file.
